Too Funny to Post on Sunday

I just stumbled upon a new blog that is HYSTERICAL.

It's called My Religious Blog

You've got to at least take a quick peek.

Don't foget to scroll down for the Sheri Dew.

It's 3am?

I've been surfing youtube tonight (okay, 2:54am doesn't constitute NIGHT - but you get the point)

I found a nice little movie from the Cannes Film Festival about voodoo dolls and making sacrifice for others.

It really resonanted with me since people not sacrificing for each other is the reason I'm up stewing at 3am.

But then I got sidetracked to the following clip (which my mom mentioned today while we ate too many corn dogs at the mall today)

It gave me nearly four minutes of laughter in a rather frustrating day. Hope it does the same for you!

And Then The Fight Started

It's been a crazy week so far with swim team and arts commission so I'm blogging straight from my email in box.

Oh, so tempted to send certain emails . . but here's the one I thought appropriate:

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Post 7 of 7

Thanks to Facebook I've done a little re-connecting with an old friend.

And by 're-connecting' I mean that I've added her as a friend.

You all know what a nut case I am when it comes to socializing more than that.

Basically I get to stalk her Facebook and Blog Accounts . . . . .


This whole reconnection made me take ANOTHER stroll down memory lane where I found this GEM of a Christmas Card that my friend and I did together.

We did this in 5th Grade, Mrs. Colby's class. We won an award at the local shopping strip - I think a gift card?

Anyway, check out the great art (I think it's funny that I have a stubborn camel on my side of the artwork).

The back of my side reads: "We did this on two papers because we couldn't make it small and good. Thank You." Also I wrote: "Man has many beautiful holidays but the one that man has cherised so much is CHRISTMAS!

Stephanie's side reads: " May people have peace forever and that they may have happiness on this beautiful Christmas Day! By Stephanie H and Wendy M"

Post 6 of 7

Despite what my family thinks, I can be nostalgic.

Twice this week I've had nostalgic moments when I've reflected on a place and the memories that have gone with it.

1st: The church in Midvale where my Uncle's funeral was held.

Also the church next door to my Nana's house.

Where my brothers and I would sneak behind the church house and pick all the pimento's out of our "delicious' Pimento Loaf sandwiches Nana would make us.

We'd do that on our way to the park that had the airplane slide.

We also would get snowcones nearby . . . Tiger's Blood is still my favorite!

This is also where Nana had her funeral.

I only remember playing basketball with all the cousins in the gym. Nana probably wanted to shoot us for being so loud and un-funeralish.

2nd - McDonalds

Yeah, I got all nostalgic at the local McDonald's. I really don't go here like I use to.

When we first moved to PG, Jeff's grandparents would come down at least once a week and take Josh, Ethan and I to McDonald's.

I owe them both for the 20+ pounds I put on in those years.

McDonald's is also home to many, many lunches when Kathy and I would take the kids to play and we'd just sit and talk for hours and hours.

I guess there are just places that make us reflect about our lives and what we've done. What place makes you the most nostalgic?

Post 5 of 7

Blogging everyday is harder than you think.

And despite the fact that I said I would blog about anything and everything -

I just can't.

So, for today here are 10 random things that have been on my mind lately:

1. It's not polite to read your magazine during the funeral services of an uncle. At least that's the message I think the man behind me was subliminally sending to me.

2. I now know the difference between a butterfly, dbx, v-2, h-back and several other types of women's swimsuits. I just don't know which one the PG Swim Team will NOT complain about.

3. I can hold a baby and keep her from crying while I have my teeth cleaned. Just to clarify, the drool on that bib thing around my neck was NOT from me.

4. Painting the doors in the house is rewarding, especially if you get to replace all the nasty gold hardware with cool antique copper hardware.

5. My blood boils and I blow a gasket when my son plays with the garage door opener and closes it on my daughter.

6. Paranoia really is justifiable . . . did you see THIS report about the kid who had a pencil jammed through his neck!

7. I am competitive enough to want to win the Strawberry Days Children's Parade award. I think I've got a great idea!

8. Speaking in front of the city council makes me want to vomit as my knees shake and I tremble from nervousness.

9. Back to funerals - and any other family gathering - sometimes it's scary to see your genetic pool. I'd bet a hundred bucks that others thought that too when they saw me show up!

10. Were the last few episodes of House incredible or what?!?!?

Post 4 of 7

At the cemetery yesterday,
I scored a sweet parking spot in the shade.

I felt like I was really being looked over
as I slide into my nifty spot.

Ever feel like the universe is trying to send you a message?

Post 3 of 7

Had to go to a funeral today (more about that tomorrow).

And after the graveside service I was a little thirsty.

Went to the Holiday Oil and splurged on drinks and Ho-Ho's.

I turned to leave and the cashier said I didn't have approval . . . .

Approval?

I NEED approval -- In fact, I crave constant approval from everyone!

I was desperate to get her approval -

It was then that I noticed her pointing at the debit card machine.

Sheepishly I clicked the "ok" button and left.

I was referred to this video by my brother who watched my frantic need for Approval from the Holiday Oil cashier . .

I'd be happy to approve and validate any of you who need it!

Post 2 of 7

Star Trek was a SPLASHING success

For a Mother's Day treat

Jeff took his mom,

And me,

And his dad,

And his kids

To see the new Star Trek movie.

It was a really entertaining show

Until I had consumed too much Diet Coke

And my daughter was sleeping

Right

On

Top

Of my bladder.

I didn't see a single credit roll

As I dashed to the ladies' room.

It could've been a pleasant ending

To the show and the evening.

Except that one little twist

And a lean to the right

Shot the toilet seat one way

And dropped me down cold.

If only the movie

Could've been the only

SPLASH

Of the night.

Hope you get a chance to catch the show, but if you're at AF Cinemark -- avoid the fourth stall, it's needing repairs.

Post 1 of 7

Swim team sign ups are under way -

Suits are on sale at Old Navy -

The PG Pool is being filled -

And Josh has had his first pool time of 2009!


Last week a small group of swim fanatics (ok, Lisa was the only fanatic) went to the rockin' awesome Davis County athletics facility to be in the presence of SWIMMING GREATNESS.

Josh was able to get in the pool and be coached by David Salo!

What do you mean "who's that?"

David Salo, the famous swim coach who has coached people like Amanda Beard, Aaron Peirsoll, Jason Lezak and others!

(How's that for some name dropping?)

And Josh was able to watch swimming demonstrations from Kirsty Coventry!

Don't give me the 'who's that?' again.

Kirsty Coventry, the Zimbabwean swimmer who won the Gold Medal at the 2008 games in the 200m backstroke (World Record time) and three Silver Medals in the 200 IM, 400 IM and 100m backstroke!

Lisa and I had the ultimate priviledge to sit and talk with both David Salo and Kirsty Coventry in a question and answer session.

Here's what I learned:

Doodling squares is fun.

And Zimbabweans have cool accents.

Jeff to the Rescue

My Hero!

(get ready for some super blogging - cuz I'm back!)

Give Me Power

You can only begin to imagine the life I've led this week!

It all started with a little melt down of the power supply in my computer.

Jeff says "maybe" it's the power supply, but could be something worse.

When he says that . . . I go to my happy place, the one where terrible news like that can't touch me.

I have a 'temporary' computer that lets me do VERY minimal things. (Saving files to the network drives and listening to anything on the speakers does NOT qualify as minimal)

Good news is: The new power supply is sitting on my table RIGHT NOW!

Bad news is: Jeff is at work and the power supply is still sitting on my table RIGHT NOW!

If all goes well with the installation this evening I promise to blog a whole week straight -- yeah, that's 7 days in a row, baby!

And that's a promise to blog about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who ticks me off this week. I'm not going easy on people like I did last week.

So bring on the power supply! (or not, depending on how you think I feel about you right now)